Welsh and Blondes
by PassionPoet
Summary: Jack and the Doctor are locked up for their persistent addictions while their girls blow off some steam...Crack Fic Jack/Gwen 10/Rose implied Jack/10/Ianto


"Okay, Jack calm down."

"Doctor, stop it."

"We're going to try and help you as best way we can, but you have to cooperate."

Gwen Cooper and Rose Tyler watched the two men in the cells. They were sitting calmly _now,_ but the two women knew better.

"We do not have a problem in the first place," Jack stated.

"Ha, I know I don't have a problem, but you Jack, I saw you squeezing those Welsh couples butts in the supermarket."

"Alright enough," Gwen shouted, "Honestly. Jack you are in denial about having an addiction to falling for people of Welsh origin and Doctor you are in denial about quickly falling for women with blonde hair."

"I do not fall for women with blonde hair. They can have any color hair and it wouldn't matter. I am not in denial of it and I am just plain not in denial. Now will you please let me out? This is ridiculous," the Doctor stated firmly folding his arms while looking at Rose adoringly.

"Oh, that's rich Doc. You're in denial about being in denial," Jack grunted.

The Doctor glared at him and went to speak again, but Rose cut him off, "That's enough you two. Look, it's never been a problem before, but up until recently it's been getting out of hand. Now, Doctor I could handle Reinette, I wasn't around for Joan Redfern and Astrid, yes I do know about them thank you very much, but now it's just ridiculous."

"How do you mean?"

"You began asking a bunch of blonde drag queens, yes they were drag queens, if they wanted to pimp your TARDIS," Rose gritted her teeth

Jack snorted trying to stifle the laughter he couldn't help, but let erupt.

"Oh, you can talk Mr. Harkness. Sure, there was the whole Ianto love affair, but when you plan to take an eighty year old Welsh woman and a couple of her friends' home for old times' sake, I start to think you have serious issues."

"Hey, what part of omnisexual do you not understand? I can't help it if Grandma was working it and it was only coincidence that she was Welsh. Besides Gwen, you know I only have eyes for you," he said in all innocence.

"Welsh and blonde, you see that," Rose pointed out to Gwen who nodded.

"Look, if we say we'll try and control our 'addictions' as you put it, will you please let us out?" The Doctor whined getting annoyed.

Rose and Gwen looked at each other and silently agreed to let them out. Little did they know it would be a terrible mistake.

* * *

**Two days later**

"All right let's go over this again," Gwen stated as the two men watched from behind the cell, "Jack, you groped a thirty year old WELSH lesbian-"

"-Hey, once I was done with her she would have turned back totally straight," Jack defended.

Gwen ignored him and continued, "-and her lover. You put an ad in the paper seeking a WELSH translator-"

"We need one."

"-who enjoys kinky office romances. Finally, you tried to seduce the new WELSH mayor of Cardiff and his WELSH wife."

"Just trying to update on my politics and the best way to do that is to get involved."

Gwen looked hopelessly at him and then turned to Rose.

"Doctor?" Rose began.

"Hmm," he hummed while rubbing the back of his neck.

"You were caught making out with a BLONDE Marie Antoinette at a history festival."

"Well, she was a lot nicer then I expected," he told her.

"You went just that over bit nuts when we went to Germany."

"Well, I've never been to Germany before," he said.

"I can see why. While most of the population had BLONDE hair and blue eyes the government banned you from the country because all you wanted to do was brush their hair."

"Well, it was soft. It's like my attraction to jewels really. While blonde hair is soft, jewels are shiny."

"All right," Rose said shaking her head in disbelief, "But that doesn't explain what we're going to do about the ten golden retrievers you bought."

"What? They were cute. Don't tell me you didn't like them" he sung his words, "Even you said they were sweet. Remember when Spot, I don't know why he was named Spot since he clearly had no spots, but anyways that's not the point remember when he did that thing with the nose-"

"Yeah and the little-"

"-Aww," they said in unison.

Jack looked at Gwen raising an eyebrow at the sheer weirdness of the conversation. Gwen only shrugged. Rose then went serious again after seeing the disapproval on Gwen's face and the Doctor couldn't help, but chuckle. He still had the power because he was able to distract Rose long enough to make her forget about what was happening now.

"Look," Rose started, "We're going to leave you here, so you can think about this and after Gwen and I have come up with a solution to help you or possibly make a few phone calls to Oprah, Dr. Phil, someone in that category we'll be back."

"Wait, so you're just going to leave us here? For how long?" Jack asked.

"An hour or so, just until we come up with something," Gwen answered.

"But there's nothing you need to come up with," Jack said standing up and giving her the eyes that made her melt every time, "I'm not capable of hurting anyone like that. I was just having a bit of fun. Gwen, you know me."

Gwen took a deep breath. The look he was giving her made her want to just open the cell door and push him against the wall regardless if Rose or the Doctor stuck around to watch.

"We'll see you later," she said covering up her emotions, but the way she gulped before she said it, Jack knew he had her in the palm of his hands.

Gwen and Rose headed towards the door closing it behind them. The Doctor burst out laughing as soon as they were gone. Jack turned to him with a solemn look on his face, with folded arms.

"And just what are you laughing at."

"I'd never thought I'd see it."

"See what?"

"The day where someone was able to resist your charm. Oh no doubt it was a struggle, but she did it and with flying colors I might add."

"Gwen's good, yes, but given the right situation I could have her begging."

"Then why haven't you?"

"I don't know. I care for her, that's what it is. She's still vulnerable since Rhys' death and then there is the whole not dying thing. But we do have our moments. The thing is Doc I'm scared I might hurt her. What if I break her heart? What if she unintentionally breaks mine? I'm not sure what I will do then."

"From what I'm hearing, sounds like you more than just care for her Jack. I'd say you were in love with her. You reflect off of other Welsh people because you stop yourself from being with the one Welshwoman you want to be with. Does that make sense Jack?"

"Is that what you do with blondes then? A way to reflect because you're in love with Rose Tyler."

"Well…something like that I suppose. I did mean what I said before though. They have very soft hair and shiny too especially when the sun reflects off of it. A kind of golden, angelic glow."

Jack raised an eyebrow and the Doctor just grinned, "All right then I admit it. My name is the Doctor and I'm addicted to Rose Tyler and her blonde hair."

Jack laughed, "You're insane."

"And you're a pain in the rear end."

"Yeah, but you love me for it."

The Doctor noogied his hair and smiled at Jack giving him a one armed hug. They sighed and looked around the cell.

"So, "the Doctor started, "Just how do we get out of here?"

* * *

"Ooh, I just can't take it when he does that," Gwen grumbled, "He gets all irresistible and makes you want to just jump all over him. I swear sometimes all he could be doing is sitting in his office, minding his own business, give me one of his stares and I just cave in."

Rose nodded, "He used to do that on the TARDIS."

"Isn't it annoyingly alluring?"

"Yes, very much, but that's just Jack. The Doctor on the other hand…oi," she said rather breathlessly, "Do you think they really have fallen for the excuse we gave them on Welsh and blondes."

"They are the most brilliant idiots if they had. I don't think I would have believed me for a second."

They had been lying all along. Rose and Gwen had noticed the Doctor and Jack flirting with various people, all with a common element about them, yes, but Jack and the Doctor had managed to make them so jealous about it that they just decided to lock them in a cell making them believe they had a problem or an addiction as they called it. In truth it was just to teach them a lesson.

"I know it's in Jack's nature to flirt with everyone, but I don't know recently it's just been pissing me off. It doesn't seem playful and innocent anymore."

"And since when does the Doctor make out with Marie Antoinette look alikes?"

Gwen shrugged and looked to the ground. The rest of the team had gone home for the night to do whatever it was they did home. It was only Gwen, Jack, Rose, the Doctor and Janet the weevil in the Hub.

"What are we going to do," Gwen asked.

Rose shrugged, "I'm still trying to figure out how we got ourselves into this in the first place let alone getting out of it."

"We could always just tell them to control themselves and hope they do," Gwen excused.

"Still won't make us feel any better though, will it?"

"No, I suppose not."

The alarm rang throughout the Hub and Gwen turned to CCTV.

"You took the sonic screwdriver off of the Doctor right?" Gwen asked.

"Yes, why?"

"They're gone."

"You got Jack's watch right."

"Yes, so then how- Rose where are you going?"

Rose threw on her jacket and headed for the Cog door.

"To the TARDIS. It's the first place the Doctor would go," Rose told her as the Cog door rolled behind.

She climbed out of the secret entrance and ran out to the TARDIS letting herself in. She coughed as she realized the whole room was foggy. She could barely make out the console as she walked.

"Doctor," she called through the thickness.

Suddenly something was pulling her. She tried to fight it, but before she knew it her back had made contact with the wall.

"So you think I have a thing for blondes, Rose Tyler," the Doctor's voice boomed.

The smoke had begun to clear as she saw the Doctor standing smiling manically. Before Rose could speak and explain the Doctor had leaned over her and kissed her ever so softly. When he pulled away, Rose blinked in confusion and shock. His smile only widened.

"Well," he said playing with her pretty blonde hair, "There's only one who truly drives me insane. Sure, she can be a bit possessive and honestly she sleeps more often than anyone I've ever met and does that tongue and teeth thing, but yeah she's stolen my hearts."

Rose smiled and kissed him again soft and deep.

* * *

"Jack, where are you?" Gwen called down in the cells.

It had been over an hour and Jack still had not made his appearance. Rose was in the TARDIS looking for the Doctor and seeing how big it was, she could be there for a few hours, but now Gwen was getting scared. He hadn't yet answered and the last thing she needed was an angry Jack in her wake.

There was a sound from behind as Gwen turned, "Jack?"

No answer and then-! Gwen's back made cool contact with the glass. Her head hit the back and her wrists were pinned above her head. It took her a few minutes to distinguish just who it was that was pinning her to the wall and wasn't surprised to see Captain Jack Harkness pressing into her.

"So I have a thing for Welsh, do I Gwen?"

"Jack I-"

But before she could begin to explain he kissed her hard, desperate and deep. He wanted to taste her, relish her, and remember this kiss. He let go of her wrists and moved his hands to her waists while she ran hers through his hair. He pushed himself closer to her, his arousal very evident as his hands moved to cup her bottom. She wrapped a leg around him.

Their tongues did a wild dance of flicking and dueling. Her hands moved down his back and up his chest making him yearn. Geese, just how long had he wanted to feel those fingers move as they did?

It was only after a few minutes when air was necessary did he release her and take in her swollen lips and breathless expression. He leaned his forehead against hers looking her straight in the eyes.

"Well, I tell you one thing," he smiled, "There's only one Welsh woman I'd be willing to do anything, even die for."

She raised an eyebrow, "Considering you can't die in the first place, that doesn't mean a whole lot does it?"

"Well how 'bout this?" he moved to her ear, still smiling,his breath hot against her neck. The strain was too much as she found her body trying to move closer to his, "I'm in love with you Gwen Cooper."

She could have dropped dead right there. Jack Harkness, the incredible Don Juan, devil in the flesh, just admitted to being in love with her.

He nibbled on her ear moving down her neck, his hands coming under her shirt making small strokes on her stomach as he waited for her response. She let out a moan and grabbed his face pulling him in for a desperate and fervent kiss.

Jack responded, but very much distracted by his thoughts and Gwen's soft lips.

"Gwen?" he said as she began to repeat the actions he had performed on her neck with a few of her own tricks added to the treatment.

"Hmm," she sung into his neck licking a sensitive spot.

Jack had to hold back a groan and the desire to throw her on the ground with him on top, but he needed to get this out.

"Gwen?" she sensed something was wrong and looked at him though she really just wanted to strip him from head to toe.

"Jack, you don't want to-"

"No, it's not that. I need to hear that you love me too."

Gwen stared incredulously at him, "You're kidding?"

This was so unlike Jack, but he needed to hear, "Well, for all I know you could just be using me for my body," he winked.

She slapped him playfully on the arm and then softly rubbed the spot she hit. She stared into his blue gaze and answered, "Jack Harkness, you are the most intelligent idiot I've ever met, and I love you. Always have and always will."

He smiled and kissed her again. This was it; he was sure of it. His hands were just about to rid them of the first piece of clothing that evening when the door to the cells opened with the Doctor and Rose standing hand in hand. He couldn't hold back a growl of frustration that he was interrupted.

"Well," Rose started as Jack and Gwen threw the couple an angry glare at being interrupted, "Don't look at us like that. We'd just thought we warned you before you became infamous porn stars that the team was back and we saw the whole thing on CCTV."

Jack reluctantly released Gwen and he could have sworn he heard the fall of a popcorn bowl followed by the sound of disappointment groans from upstairs.

"Also, Gwen," Rose gestured as the Doctor took Jack to the other side.

Rose whispered something in Gwen's ear and she looked at Rose in horror.

"Yeah, but they wouldn't…but he just said…no, but they don't really…really?"Rose only nodded her head.

Meanwhile the Doctor and Jack were in the same discussion. Jack was about to yell at the Doctor for not coming down sooner when the Doctor said something to catch his attention.

"What do you mean Ianto's wearing a traditional Welsh school boy outfit and is suddenly blonde?"

"What do you say, just one more time for kicks," the Doctor gestured towards the girls, "They're cute when they're jealous."

"Wait what?"

"The whole thing about an addiction to blondes and Welsh was a hoax because they were jealous of us flirting with other people. Rose spilled on the TARDIS because she felt bad."

Jack caught Gwen's eye and smirked as he saw her turning different shades of pink.

"Jack Harkness, if you dare..," he knew about Ianto, she realized.

"Oh Ianto," The Doctor and Jack called together.

"Welsh and blonde, now that is hot," the Doctor said as both Gwen and Rose turned an angry red and chased them as they tried to escape up the stairs.

**He he so there you have it. My dumb crack fic. Please review. I enjoy getting your feedback and I hope you all liked it. :)**


End file.
